Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
