I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize