Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
