Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
