he puts the penis in happiness.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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