I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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