I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
