This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize