We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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