I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I wish you could order shots online.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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