I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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