I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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