Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
