There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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