So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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