im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
