dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
