He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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