Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize