Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
