They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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