glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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