Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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