Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
