I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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