Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
