I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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