If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
