Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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