Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
