I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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