I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
