dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My vagina is officially offended.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
