He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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