i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
