why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize