Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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