Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
