Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I am midnight drunk by noon
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
