You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
