she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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