I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
