My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
