What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
