someone threw a dead crab at me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize