I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
