we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
