Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Let's get the cat blown out
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
