i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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