I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
