apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
