i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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