I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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