she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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