if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
