need another drink. this is the easiest way
wanna go halves on a baby?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
