Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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