He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
