Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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