If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so let's talk penis.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
