A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
