Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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