Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
