Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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