ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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