I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
