And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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