i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
